Tag Archives: twitter

My first 3 weeks in the twitterverse

First 4 days in the bloggoverse

OK, so I’ve been doing this social media thing for a few weeks now and you know what? It still confuses the hell out of me. Here’s how my experience of twitter has gone so far:-

1) Join twitter and realise that you have absolutely nothing to say to the twitterati or tweeters of tweeps or whatever they’re called, but get a warm gooey feeling inside because you’ve finally taken the leap into social media. Ponder for hours what you should say- eaten up inside by your lack of mental agility. Who the heck would be interested in what you have to say anyway?…..

2) Write your first tweet- it’s not very interesting. It simply says “For a confirmed social network phobe I think I’m doing OK” because that’s bound to be how other people are feeling, right?. Sit and wait whilst trying to do other things (primarily writing your first novel).

3) Jump for joy when you get a notification that someone has followed you- then ponder why on earth they would……

4) Notice that every time you get a new follower you get an e-mail on your smartphone (Samsung Galaxy S3- hmmm…. lovely) Editors note– The author is not connected to or sponsored by Samsung electronics.

5) Start to check the phone every few seconds- looking for the tell tale blue notification light that tells you an e-mail has arrived- it could be another follower, oh wowser, it could be another follower!

6) Become so obsessed with the flashing blue light that you develop an almost Pavlovian response to it (no, you will be relieved to hear, I don’t drool….). It starts to go off every hour or so, which is really rather distracting…..

7) Cautiously look through twitter for people who share similar ideas and interests to you. Then realise that that’s gonna take an age……Get a little less particular. If they seem like nice people then they should be fine, right?

8) Get followed by lots of people who keep tweeting you the same message- ‘Follow me!’ or ‘Buy my book, buy my book!’

9) Read an article and realise that most of the people that are following you and keep tweeting the same message are not people at all- they’re ‘bots’. Oh my god….twitter has been taken over by robots. Quickly stop following these invasive machines- No I don’t want to follow you Mr. Roboto, I’ve watched the Matrix, you know…… I’ve seen where this all leads…..

10) Realise the guy that played Wesley Crusher on Star Trek is huge on twitter. How cool is that? Always wondered what happened to that bloke……

11) Remember you had a bit of a crush on Dr Crusher (that’s Wesley Crusher’s mum) from the Next Generation when you were much younger…..please don’t tell the wife!

12) Realise you had a crush on a Crusher (!)…..Ah Beverley, sweet Beverley

12.5) Realise you say realise alot in your blog. Gotta stop doing that! People will think you can’t write…….Which is probably true…..better check the thesaurus…..

13) Start to do this thing called ‘re-tweeting’. Become cognizant of just how rewarding this can be when people start to send you messages of thanks. OK, think I’m getting the hand of this- there are some really nice folks on twitter.

13) Shudder when you think how much time as an author these days must be directed towards building your ‘platform’ . Should be good at that – always been great at carpentry…. Some of these guys must spend an age every day just surfing and blogging and tweeting. Then discern that for many of them it is a full time job. Still a nitwit…..

14) Send messages back to people by addressing them @something- get quite worried that this might constitute an invasion of their privacy.

15) Become conscious of the fact that it is not an invasion of privacy to send a tweet to someones @thingy- infact it can be the right thing to do. That’s what you think, sucka.

16) Get annoyed with people who follow you and then unfollow you as soon as you follow them back. What’s that all about, huh?

17) Wonder why some people seem to spend all their time promoting their books rather than helping people or just mooching around twitter. Then grasp that these people use their computers to send out automated tweets. Is there anyone on twitter that’s actually human?

18) Figure out what a # does. Sent some tweets with the #amwriting thingy, then feel really guilty in case you’re trespassing in some kind of private club. Cigar and a brandy, anyone?

18) Happily realise that there are actually loads of real humans just like you in the twitterverse. Well maybe not just like you- they probably have brains and I bet they can write…..

Advice from a social media phobe who’s new to all this? Enjoy twitter for what it is. Do everything you can to help people along by re-tweeting and all the other stuff I don’t really understand (favourite, anyone?). Don’t bombard people with advertising or hype or marketing for your book. Take it easy- make a few friends and try to keep the marketing down to 20% of your activity. Oh so now you’re an expert, eh? If you see something good, share it- but don’t expect anything in return and don’t get upset if you don’t get any help in return. Look up altruism in the dictionary- it’s not a given that it’s a two way street…..

Long live the twitterverse (if that’s even what it’s called….).

If you like this blog why not click the ‘like’ button below? Even better (if you have absolutely no common sense) why not sign up for the blog at the top right or even follow? You could even check out my other posts (please, oh please, do that) I thought you said there shouldn’t be any marketing?………

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My first four days in the bloggoverse

First 4 days in the bloggoverse

 

So…..the story so far,

1) Attempt to engage in social media, oh the highs and lows! See previous blog (I think I managed to link to it!)

2) Get really, truly excited when you get your first like (hurrah, hurray!). Then ponder what this means. Oh crikey.  What are the rules here? Am I supposed to follow back? Can they get insulted if I don’t? How do you do it anyway? Is there a rule book anywhere. Crap, how is this thing supposed to work anyway?

3) Try again  to concentrate on your book (‘write me’ it whispers petulantly, ‘you promised you would write me…’).

4) Fail in your attempt to concentrate on book as you watch more ‘likes’ appear on your blog. They like the blog, they like the blog. Oh joy, oh joy. Oh boy, twelve people like it now, don’t upset them, they might never come back……

5) Puzzle for an age over how they found you- no one liked the first blog, why would they like the second. No, wait! Someone liked the first blog but you didn’t notice!……. Nope, hang on a minute….. that’s your own avatar staring back…..accusing “what kind of fool follows himself?” shouts the rather beautiful sunset icon, “there must be some kind of rule against things like that!’.

 “But I  don’t remember pressing my own like button,” you say, “oh my god can someone impersonate me on the internet?” Nope, don’t think so, you’re just a bona fide idiot….

6) Google the internet for other people called Jason K Lewis just in case there is a full scale impersonation campaign going on. Turns out you’re already on facebook and something called ‘Linkdin’ and you also work for a real estate company. You go to the University of Minnesota and you’ve served a three year prison sentence. But that’s not me, I never……Oh why didn’t my parents give me a different name! (wipe tears away, blow nose loudly).

7) Etiquette! Spend an hour searching for advice on bloggerly etiquette.  Does the universe end if you follow yourself?  No, please,  it was an accident. I didn’t mean to…..please don’t ban me or bar me or block me or whatever the special word is in this world…. Oh god no, it says here you should blog EVERY DAY!

Saw a quote on twitter (OMG 41 followers!- but that’s another story…) that went something like this:-

“Being a good writer is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet.”
47,000 words and only two days to complete my own personal nanowrimo, would be there already but for the glorious bloggoverse….

My extensive experience of social media

Right then, so here’s how it seems to go so far:-

Step 1:-

Start your blog- become obsessed by trying to figure out what a blog is and how it works. Spend hours trying to work out how the whole thing can be fashioned into something useful. Find a picture of the view from your ‘writing room’ (read ‘office’……. well actually the upstairs spare bedroom, gotta stop telling pork pies…) and use that view (an ‘Avatar’ but not as good as the movie, and certainly not in 3D) to represent you in your internet meanderings.

Then look at the stats page- do it every hour, hell, wake up at 6:30am on a Saturday morning and check it.

Reaction to statistics page on WordPress;- “Oh my god, I have a view! Someone viewed by blogpost! Wow that was quick. How exciting!”- No, not really, that was just you viewing your own blog from a different device, you nitwit…..

Step 2:-

Start your twittery thing- become obsessed with your twittery thing (this is not a metaphor for something else I hasten to add- my teenage years are long behind me).

Check your twitter account obsessively, every thirty minutes or so. Jump for joy every time you get a new follower, oh my god I have twenty followers! (because it really matters- really it does- it is now the most important thing in your life).

Forget the pregnant wife downstairs, crying out for attention. Forget the book in process, staring at you from the secondary screen hooked up to your laptop (‘write me,’ it whispers, ‘you have to write me.’)

Check twitter again. “I only have nineteen followers!” horror of horrors, someone has decided I am not interesting enough to follow. They’ve stopped caring, they must hate me. Oh calamity! The pain, the pain….

Step 3:-

Become so obsessed with your waning fortunes in social media experimentation that you have to write another blog so that you can read it to yourself when you check your blogsite again in an hours time- because of course that is the most important thing you have to do. In a painful moment of realisation *(no Mr Spellchecker, that is how we spell it in England. With an ‘s’ not a ‘z’.) Oh, no, don’t write that, you might alienate all those American people who will read your blog in their thousands when they realise (‘s’ again, hurrah) how interesting it is.* you notice it is past 2pm already. Time to check twitter again, maybe he changed his mind….

Wait,……just hang on a minute. None of this is important. If no one ever reads the blog it doesn’t actually matter. If no one follows on twitter, the world does not end. The only thing that’s important is the book (after the pregnant wife, of course, i’m not that thoughtless).

43,000 words and counting. But only 600 in the last two days- all thanks to blogging and tweeting.

The moral of this story from a novice? Do the important stuff first- just write for gods sake write.

P.S. Jason, when you read this again in an hour, follow your own advice! and brush your hair- you look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards…..